Picking up a woman at a bar is a bit like buying a burger in a raw vegan cafe: it may look promising, but you can’t really tell what you’re getting until you taste it – and then it might be too late. If you tend to judge a woman purely on her looks (not you, of course, Stud; I mean those other superficial guys), you could be bitterly disappointed when you get her into the sack.
How does anyone know if someone is GIB? (That’s ‘Good In Bed’. Come on, keep up!) Of course, the short answer is: ‘Take them to bed, stupid!’ Well the joke’s on you, smarty-pants, because that’s also how you find out if they’re bad in bed; and I don’t mean the good bad (‘Hoo-wee! That girl is b-a-a-a-d in bed, bro!’); I’m talking about the bad bad – the Taylor Swift type of bad (hey … just saying.)
I think we can agree that, when all is said and done, what everybody wants is the Sure Thing. But how do you know? How do you determine whether that cutie you’re about to take home is going to live up to expectations? Stop focusing on looks: here are the four clues you should really pay attention to before you close the deal.
1. HER ACCESSORIES
Her what? If you’re like most men, a woman’s outfit doesn’t rate highly on your list of factors when it comes to assessing her bonkability. Sure, you’ll appreciate if she’s wearing something short, tight, low-cut, see-through, latex or any combination of the above, but you sure as hell won’t give a crap about the small details. Well let me tell you, straight off the bat: this is your first mistake. The first key to assessing a woman’s (se)X Factor is in all those little extras you haven’t even been aware of. I’m talking about the bag, belt, watch, bangles, cuffs, chokers… all those mysterious bits and pieces that mean absolutely nothing to the average guy, but say so much about their owner.
“How the hell am I supposed to make sense of all that jingly-jangly twinkly crap?” I hear you cry. Don’t worry; it’s not hard. There’s just one thing you need to remember when it comes to deciphering a woman’s accessories (that’s the technical name for all that jingly-jangly twinkly crap), and it’s this:
None of it is for your benefit.
See, we women know that men don’t care about our accessories. We know men secretly think all that stuff is unnecessary, overpriced and weird looking, but we buy it anyway. Now listen, because this is the important bit: If the woman in your sights isn’t garnished with loads of extra stuff, and is carrying an object that is immediately recognisable as a ‘bag’, you should grab your coat and check you’ve got your Durex love gloves with you because, my friend, you have scored! I’m not one for giving guarantees, but I can guarantee you that a chick who isn’t obsessed with over-accessorizing is going to be an absolute cracker in bed. It’s what I call Sexual Certitude Owing to Reduction of Extras, or SCORE. Consider it an immutable law, like gravity.
However, if she is accessorized to a degree that makes her look like she was standing in Lady GaGa’s dressing room when it exploded, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on. Why? Well, chances are, all that bling is designer. Here’s a little secret, and you didn’t hear it from me: The sole purpose of designer accessories is to render every other woman in the room sick with envy, and make the wearer feel impossibly cool, superior and entitled. A woman like that is a BITCH (Bad In The Cot, Honey) and is going to be a pain in the arse, both in and out of bed, and you should run a mile. (This in fact, is my second immutable law: Loads of Stuff? Exit Running! or LOSER. ) Oh, and don’t worry about her: she can always hug her silver croissant-shaped Oroton handbag for comfort; in fact, she’d prefer it.
2. HER EYES
So, you’re chatting up some girl and you can just tell she’s an absolute goddess in bed because she’s got these incredibly sexy bedroom eyes. You know the ones: thickly lashed, rimmed with lots of smudgy black stuff (‘eyeliner’ is what we call it), and sort of half-closed as though she’s on the brink of orgasmic euphoria. Just bear in mind that what may appear tantalizingly come-hither in a darkened club could actually be signs of extreme fatigue. Or glue-sniffing. And those eyes that seem to smoulder with erotic promise could just as easily mean she’s going to pass out the moment her head hits your pillow. Or throw up.
The bad news is that sexy eyes are potential minefields of disappointment, but fortunately I have developed a unique and fool-proof way to navigate them. Before you’re completely sucked in by those baby blues/browns/hazels/greens, you should pay attention to what she’s actually looking at. Follow the trajectory of her pretty peepers and you’ll get a very good idea of what she’s like in bed. Eyes can reveal a lot about a woman’s sexuality if you know the code, and – lucky you – here’s my scientifically-proven guide to help you:
She’s looking at: Her drink
This girl gives a pretty good blowjob, with lots of tongue, but she won’t make eye contact with you while she’s doing it. So you’re not going to get that whole slutty, porn-star experience. Or … she’s thinking: ‘Ah, sweet liquor; my one true love! You’ll deaden the pain, won’t you?’
She’s looking at: The bar
If you’re determinedly working your way through the Kama Sutra, this is the girl for you. She’s willing to try a cocktail of different positions and will remain entertaining, lubricated and full of high-spirited bonhomie until lockout. Or … she’s a carpenter.
She’s looking at: The barman
This chick wouldn’t say no to a threesome. Or … she’s thinking: ‘Dad? Is that really you?’
She’s looking at: Your mouth
This woman is an amazing kisser and she’s wondering what it would be like to kiss you right now. Yes, right this minute! Go for it! Or … she’s deaf and is trying to lip-read you.
She’s looking at: Your hands
This girl is curious, open-minded, well-read and extremely trusting. She’s just read an article in Cosmo about how the length of a man’s middle finger in relation to his index finger is a reliable indicator of his penis size. Or … she’s imagining what they’ll look like covered in defensive wounds. (Here’s a tip: Run!)
She’s looking at: Her Instagram feed
Do you like your women self-absorbed, narcissistic, superficial and bitchy? Meet Miss Right! Or … she’s surreptitiously snapped a photo of you, forwarded it to all her friends, and is awaiting their verdict before she ditches you.
She’s looking at: The hot, thin girl at the next table
This woman has serious body issues and won’t let you see her naked. She’ll leave pieces of clothing on, artfully arranged to allow access whilst hiding her belly/upper arms/thighs/bum. Her favourite position is doggy, which makes her arse look toned and distracts you from noticing her flabby bits. Or … she really likes Ruby Rose; I mean, REALLY likes Ruby Rose, you get me? I mean … oh forget it!
She’s looking at: A plate of raw oysters and licking her lips
If your girl enthusiastically swallows what is essentially a lump of salty mucous in a shell, it’s safe to say you’ve hit the jackpot!
3. HER PHONE COVER
In much the same way that you can tell a lot about a man’s penis size by his choice of car (thought that was a myth, did you? HA!), a woman’s choice of cover for her precious phone is significant, and it reveals volumes about her sexuality. Broadly speaking, the plainer the cover the better the lover. (See item 1. Her Accessories) Lucky for you, her phone is going to be right there on the table in clear sight, so you don’t have to do any guesswork – in fact if you’re really smart you’ll do a discreet walk-by before you move in for the kill. (By the way, if it isn’t on view but is in her bag … she’s a hooker.) Here’s a handy guide to help you cut to the chase and make a quick decision whether to blow $20 on a fancy cocktail.
Good Phone Covers
Plain colour; primary*
Plain colour; other*
Bad Phone Covers
* not neon
4. HER TALK/VOICE
The only important rule when it comes to conversation is that there is an inverse correlation between women who talk about how sexy they are, and their skills in the bedroom. This is a corollary to the simple truth that all you boys learned at school: he who talks about it most does it least. If she won’t shut up about how broad-minded and adventurous she is, and how every guy she has slept with still wants her, she is guaranteed to be terrible in bed. Follow this one rule and you will save a fortune in drinks – not to mention hours of time – trying to seduce an absolute dud.
Apart from what she says, there is also the question of how she says it. Although it has been said that a sexy voice is its own reward, it’s also a reliable guide for pleasures to come; of unimagined sensuousness. This is also, of course, the basis on which successful phone sex is built. Try this simple test: who would you rather have phone sex with –
- (a) Rosie O’Donnell or (b) Scarlett Johannson?
- (a) Peg Bundy or (b) Penelope Cruz?
- (a) Cyndi Lauper or (b) Stephen Hawking?
In each case the correct answer is obviously (b). A sexy voice is, for many people, a deal-breaker. Think of the film Her, in which Scarlett Johannson’s sexy pipes provide the voice of Joaquin Phoenix’s computer. Now imagine the same film, but replace Scarlett with Hilary Clinton. Oops – I’ve gone too far, haven’t I?
So there you have it. I think you’ll agree I have saved you a mountain of effort and costly mistakes; to which I will just add: you’re welcome! If you follow my tips, you will be making more perfect GIB selections than you can shake a stick at. (Although if shaking a stick at them is your idea of a good time, you have more serious problems than I am qualified to help you with.)