“Relationships are hard work.” This is something we’ve all been told at one point whether it was by a relationship expert, a marriage counselor, or our own parents. We only find out firsthand how true it is once we’re old enough to have had a serious long-term relationship or two. In a perfect world we’d always see eye to eye with our relationship partner, but as you no doubt know all too well, that’s just not always reality.
This is especially the case when it comes to sex. Between managing increasingly hectic 21st century schedules and dealing with libidos that aren’t always in synch, sex lives that feel frustrating, stagnant or stale are more common than you might think. Naturally, you don’t want to end your relationship over something like that, but you don’t want to simply resign yourself to never having good live sex again either.
All things considered, it’s easy to see why so many people seek satisfaction by going out and having full-blown affairs, but in the long run, such choices do a lot more harm than good. Here I’ll go over some better ways you can breathe new life into a sexual routine that’s less than stellar. You’ll be back on track before you know it.
1. Treat yourself to a sex makeover
Although most hate to admit it, people have a tendency to get too comfortable when they’re married or in a committed relationship. They let things slide in the grooming department and maybe don’t put as much time and effort into their appearance as they did when they were single. If the sex has gotten stale in your relationship, you and your partner are probably both guilty of this, to at least some extent.
When you look sexy on the outside, you’re more likely to feel sexy on the inside. You’re also more likely to inspire your partner to see you that way and to want to follow your lead. Try signing up for that gym membership you’ve been talking about getting for years. Go out and splurge on some new clothes, or get a new haircut that makes you feel like a million bucks. Whatever it is you do to feel good about yourself, making it a higher priority is a great first step toward reclaiming your once-healthy sex life.
2. Engage in a little real talk
Although it seems like talking to your partner about a sex life that’s been less than active lately seems like a no-brainer, you’d be surprised how many people never even give it a try. Consider the possibility that if you’re frustrated with the quality or frequency when it comes to sex these days, there’s a good chance your partner feels the same way and also wishes things were different.
Make time to sit down together sometime soon for a ‘no judgment’ chat about your sex life and your hopes for improvement going forward. Avoid demanding more sex or placing all the blame on them. Just talk things out first. Then focus on coming up with some solutions that both of you can get on board with.
3. Mix up your sexual routine
Think back to the early days of your relationship. You could probably barely keep your hands off each other and variety seemed to take care of itself. You were totally down to get dirty anywhere and anytime. You likely had every position under the sun totally mastered as well. You can still recapture some of that thrill. It just requires a little more conscious effort when you’ve been together awhile.
Start by breaking out of your routine and getting away from the bedroom. Have sex in your car, in the shower, on the kitchen floor, or even in the back yard – anywhere but the bed (or wherever else you normally do it). Let those new settings be the inspiration for sizzling some new positions. Be spontaneous as far as times too. If you normally do it right before bed on Fridays, try jumping your partner’s bones first thing in the morning on a Tuesday, or right after breakfast sometime instead.
4. Consider some new movie choices
You’re no doubt familiar with the way watching a pizza commercial totally makes you crave pizza, right? Well, that same logic also works for sex. Watching porn together can be a great way to add spice, creativity and excitement to your sexual repertoire. You can make a viewing session part of foreplay, or even challenge yourselves by acting out some of the scenarios in your favorite porn clips. You can also try watching porn or reading erotica on your own and then sharing scenarios you’d like to try with your partner later.
Not really into porn? Try opting for something from the romance genre the next time you watch a movie together instead. According to many relationship experts, watching romantic movies together greatly increases your chances of having sex later on, especially if your movie of choice contains one or more spicy love scenes.
5. Make good use of your smartphone
At this point, most of us are so used to the smartphone life that leaving the house without ours would feel as odd as leaving the house without pants. If you’re like most people, you pretty much always have yours on hand and use it for everything from listening to music, to catching up on your favorite shows, to keeping in touch with your grandparents. You can easily use it to give your sex life a boost as well.
For starters, never underestimate the curative effects of a little phone sex or a good sexting session. Consider getting creative and making it a part of how you and your partner communicate with one another throughout days spent apart. It’s a great way to get back to a place where you’ve both got sex on the brain more of the time.
Also, unlike actually going out and having an affair, phone sex services can be a great way to explore some of your fantasies without actually being unfaithful to your partner. Plus, you’ll gain valuable inspiration and learn new skills you can eventually use to get your real sex life going again.
6. Give a little more thought to sex toys
These days, people are more sexually open than ever before. They’re not necessarily afraid to talk about sex or admit to placing an importance on sexual pleasure. There isn’t as much stigma placed on masturbation or sex toy use for that reason anymore either. Such things are no longer always seen as lackluster substitutes for ‘proper’ sex with another person. Instead, masturbation can and should be seen as a normal, healthy part of any sex life, whether or not you’re already in a relationship.
Try investing in a few quality sex toys and lubes to help add variety and depth to your solo sessions. Not only will those sessions become more satisfying, but masturbating on the regular helps boost your libido. You’ll learn more about your own body and what types of sensations you enjoy, so you’ll also become better at partnered sex.
Don’t simply assume that sex toys are just for masturbatory purposes either. Just like fantasies or porn, toys can be even more fun when you bring them into the bedroom to share with a partner. They can definitely help spice things up and get you both excited about sex again for sure. Perfect if you really do feel like you’ve fallen into a rut lately!
7. Consider opening up your relationship
Naturally, an open relationship isn’t going to be right for everyone, but it’s still worth noting that lots of couples are rethinking how they define commitment. Instead of reacting to a stagnating sex life by going behind their partner’s back and have an affair, they’re opening up a dialogue instead in search of solutions that could truly benefit both partners.
Many modern couples do date or have sex with other people, either together as a couple or separately as individuals. They spice things up by exploring options like threesomes, swinging, or sex parties. Many of them are happier that way than they were when they simply assumed that total monogamy was the only way to go if you’re in a committed, loving relationship. If that’s something that you think could work for your relationship, it’s definitely worth bringing it up for discussion.
You don’t necessarily have to open things up to the point of actually having real sex with other people either. Lots of couples choose to keep actual sex just between them, but indulge in online activities like cybersex on the side as a way to explore their fantasies and get additional inspiration that ultimately benefits their partnered sex life.
At the end of the day, there are no right or wrong ways to work together with your partner to get your sex life back on track once and for all. All that matters is that the solution you decide on works for the both of you.