Whether you’re already engaging in an extramarital affair or are still just thinking about it at this stage, you’re not alone. More married people than ever before are looking elsewhere for sex, connection, or romance for any number of reasons. Some are realizing that perhaps monogamy isn’t natural. Others simply aren’t getting all their needs met at home and are searching for a way to fill in the blanks.
Whatever your reasons may be for having or thinking about an affair, your number one priority is probably the same as everyone else’s – not getting caught! Here I’ll go over the best ways to keep your affair under wraps and completely discreet.
1. Be very careful when choosing your lover
One of the most common mistakes people make when planning an extramarital affair is choosing the wrong person. In some cases, they’ve already got their eye on someone in particular because they’re turned on by the forbidden (i.e. their sister-in-law, their boss, or their wife’s best friend). Other times, they wisely pick someone who isn’t connected to their existing life in any other meaningful way, but unwisely don’t consider the possibility that that person may want different things out of the connection. Think eventual marriage and children instead of just a fun fling!
The key to success here is to choose a lover who is not only in a situation similar to yours, but is having the affair for the same reasons. For instance, if you’re already married and want to stay that way, you’d probably be better off having an affair with another married person … you definitely have to look for a mistress! A single person may be looking for a lot more than just a little fun and is likely to start pushing for more of a commitment sooner or later. In other words, choose someone else who has as much reason as you do to value discretion.
You can also forego dating people you know altogether. Try looking for a little frisky fun via avenues that are designed specifically for people just looking for a little something casual. Hook-up apps and sexy chat sites are often fun, judgement-free places to find other people who are totally on the same page as you are. No hassle, no commitment, and no worries – just hot, sexy fun!
2. Don’t get emotionally involved
Although many people who deliberately have affairs for fun aren’t the least bit interested in falling in love, it’s been known to happen anyway and it’s not hard to see why. All relationships are exciting and passionate in the beginning. Then you move in together. You get married and the kids come along. You have joint expenses to worry about and there are responsibilities to be taken care of. Those things are hard on any relationship, no matter how much you care about that person.
While it’s tempting to think that things will be different with a new lover you’re super excited about right now, you’ll want to avoid falling into that trap. If you leave your spouse for that person, you can be sure the same responsibilities that took the spark out of your marriage will come along eventually and you’ll be no better off than you were before. As far as what “catching feelings” has to do with getting caught, people who are emotionally involved in their affairs often lose their ability to think logically as far as how to proceed. Such people get sloppy about discretion, so if you’re serious about not getting caught and maintaining the passion in your side relationship, keep your feelings out of it.
3. Resist the urge to flaunt your affair
I get it. An affair can make you feel amazing – like you’re a new person with a completely new lease on life. It makes sense to want to flaunt that a little, as well as maybe dish to a few close friends about what’s got you walking on air lately. I really suggest you resist that urge. Even discreet people like to gossip, so there’s always a chance anyone you tell could repeat the wrong information to the wrong third party. It’s much better to simply tell no one what’s going on, even your closest confidantes.
If your lover is someone you know and see often outside of a sexual context, be very careful how you interact with them in front of others. Countless people have gotten caught having affairs because of body language or meaningful glances that spell everything out for onlookers. Be careful about being seen too often in public as well, especially locally. All it takes is for your nosey neighbor to see you having a romantic dinner with someone other than your spouse for you to be in danger of getting caught.
4. Be careful where you meet up to have sex
There’s a reason why those seedy, out-of-the-way motels way across town often rent rooms by the hour. If you want to engage in some hot sex with someone you technically shouldn’t be having it with, you can’t beat places like that when it comes to privacy. They’re generally pretty inexpensive as well, plus you’re unlikely to be seen by anyone you or your spouse might know. All of your meeting spots should be chosen with that sort of discretion in mind.
Don’t bring your lover into your own home … ever. It’s always possible for your spouse or kids to unexpectedly come home early, or for a planned weekend at Grandma’s to fall through at the last minute. There’s also always the chance that a lover could leave behind evidence that they were there, either by accident or on purpose. It’s harder than you think to catch absolutely everything.
Don’t go to your lover’s home, either. If they’re similarly attached, it’s risky for all the same reasons you wouldn’t want to go to your place. Even if the person is single, you don’t want their neighbours, roommates, or friends to get too familiar with you. You never know who might know a guy that knows a girl who’s friends with your spouse, or who might decide to expose what’s going on out of spite or pettiness.
5. Be meticulous about erasing evidence
If you’re like most people, you do more than your share of communicating on a daily basis. You call people. You send sex texts and emails. Cybersex dating is awesome and you probably enjoy it. You get together occasionally and interact. The evidence of all that communication starts to accumulate after a while as well. You don’t want to let that happen in regards to anyone you’re sleeping with on the side, let alone having a full-blown affair with. All your spouse has to do is become just a little bit suspicious and go through your phone or accounts one time and you’re caught. Don’t make the mistake of assuming you’ve got things locked down well enough that they’ll never be able to get into your accounts either. You’d be surprised how resourceful a spouse with a gut feeling can suddenly become.
The only way to guarantee your spouse never finds that evidence is to make sure there isn’t any. Avoid keeping mementos of your affair – no gifts, no ticket stubs, no notes, et cetera. Delete any photos, texts or emails your lover sends you immediately after you’re done looking at them. In fact, you should set up a special email account just for communicating with lovers or extramarital conquests, and access it only from computers your spouse has zero access to. If your spouse has access to your mobile phone bill, you might want to avoid using that phone to text or call any lovers as well. There’s no such thing as too careful.
6. Don’t skip any showers. Not even once
People really do have scents that are easy to detect and identify. You may not think you smell of your lover after you’ve been together but your spouse will most certainly think otherwise. Always shower after you’ve met with someone you’re having an affair with. Do this even if you didn’t have sex. Changing clothes is a good idea as well. Perfume and natural, normal “human” scent has a way of sticking to fabric.
7. Be smart about the money side of things
Last but definitely not least, you’ll want to give some thought to how you finance your affairs. Resist the urge to use your credit card to do things like reserve a hotel room, buy your paramour gifts or pay for fancy dates. Even if your spouse doesn’t have access to that particular account, they may still stumble across a statement at some point. You might have trouble convincing them that the “quick bite” you supposedly grabbed on your own after work shouldn’t have cost $75.
Generally speaking, having an affair without getting caught is mostly about common sense. Always make sure all your bases are covered. No amount of caution is ever overkill. The more meticulous you are about covering your tracks, the less likely anyone will be to ever know the difference.